A-Z of Classic Rock Bands

A-Z of Classic Rock Bands

AEROSMITH - Old boyband started up by Simon Cowell's less successful dad. Now famous for soppy love ballads and partially responsible for Liv Tyler.

BLACK SABBATH - The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, rarely seen by earthly mortals until resurrected by former X-Factor judge.

CREAM - Soothing embrocation to be Clapton a Ginger Bruce. Seminal rockers who lasted a fortnight.

DEEP PURPLE - Long-standing gentleman's club once bossed by Ritchie Blackmore. Has boasted 98 members in 40 years, now an Anglo-American workers co-operative.

EAGLES - Cross-generational cowboy troupe comprising three bores and a wildman. Currently producing four albums a century.

FREE - Feeder club for Bad Company, singer always wanted to be in Queen. Responsible for epoch-making 'All Right Now' but also 'My Brother Jake' for their mums and dads.

GENESIS - Progressive, forward-thinking modernists who always sang about stuff from hundreds of years ago. Drummer became a professional Peter Gabriel impersonator.

HAWKWIND - Threw Lemmy out of their band.

IRON MAIDEN - Status Quo of the NWOBHM glitter-patch set. Most famous icon a 10-foot gargoyle who played guitar in Gillan. Singer drives flying machines to save paying fare and justify University degree. Also handy with a sword.

JUDAS PRIEST - Recently reformed to save the ailing leather goods industry in the East Midlands. Singer never married.

KISS - Travelling freak show with fire-breathing and performing clowns. Rumoured to own half the Free World and parts of the outer universe.

LED ZEPPELIN - UK ex-Prime Minister's Tony Blair's favourite band as they performed a one-off gig to pay off the Millennium Dome in London. Investigated for nepotism.

MOTORHEAD - Very noisy maniacal beat-combo. Singer brought P.G. Wodehouse to a mass audience and has played every major fruit machine in Britain.

NIRVANA - Legendary 3-piece scruffs from Seattle with low clothing allowance. Comprised Krist Novoselic and 2 other musicians. Sang about underarm deodorant

OZZY OSBOURNE - Soap star and doting father to two hideous children. Famous for appearing with long-lost twin in 'I Can't Believe it's not Butter' commercial.

PINK FLOYD - Named after two of their blues heroes. No apparent evidence of any blues influence in their music but depressing nonetheless. Bassist kept mentioning the War but got away with it.

QUEEN - Ripped off Chic bassline and got played on Wayne's World. Also got stuck at No.1 for 9 weeks. Now an itinerant tribute band cashing in on past glories

RAINBOW - Also bossed by Ritchie Blackmore, who either sacked or completely brassed off some of the best in the business. Band eventually disappeared somewhere over itself, or up itself. Blackmore now major exporter of straw bales to mainland Europe.

SLADE - Played every day in Department stores at closing time in December to encourage customers to pay up and get out. Originally were a skinhead band but converted to Glam Rock. Still provided inspiration for their followers to fight with T.Rex fans

THIN LIZZY - Travelling Irish folk band. Produced one of the best live albums ever recorded in a studio. Now an itinerant tribute band cashing in on past glories, it's a modern trend.

UFO - Mainly English band who have mainly been beaten up by singer at one time or another. Boasted one of the most inefficient, unreliable Germans in history.

VAN HALEN - Famous school of Dutch artists, fond of M&M's, jumping around and mugging at camera. Sorted out by Southern redneck in the 80's. Also accused of nepotism.

WHITESNAKE - Multi-national corporation owned by English millionaire. Attend frequent marketing showcases. Ex-employees still produce vintage product.

XTC - Apparently never completed plans for Nigel. Still in process.

YES - Made LP's to strengthen the back of Roger Dean artwork to prevent the picture creasing. Singer's voice still to break. Keyboard player produced 'King Arthur on Ice' which was an astonishingly successful disaster.

ZZ TOP - Men in cowboy hats who wear false beards in public. Never order soup in restaurants.

________________________________________________