The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings : Part 6

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The Jedi Wizard of the Ozzfest Rings : Part 6

The dreaded Wicked Witch of the West is confronted and finally cools off.

From above came a disembodied voice replete with satisfaction

"Ohhhhh please! Stop being such a Drama-Queen Sharon, you're always playing to the gallery. Always need to be centre of attention".

All eyes rolled upwards and peered up into the gloom. Among the inner ramparts and gargoyles stood a tall, dark-haired man, middle-aged but of handsome features. He was completely dressed in black,

"Look!, It's the man from Milk Tray" shouted Bob
"Don't be daft" said Amy "I know who that is"

The man descended to the floor down the ancient staircase as all eyes were fixed on him, all agog at the dramatic events that were now unfolding. He took the last step and stood among them all with a haughty attitude and a broad, indulgent grin across his features.

"It's Simon bloody Cowell" said Amy
"Hi Amy" he replied, "Good to see you, I like your singing"
"Why did you do that to the witch?" she asked
"Oh! Revenge is a dish best served cold don't you think. I've been dying to do that for a few years?"
"How did ya get in man" asked Zakk
"Pretty easily actually. Just a rope, a small crossbow and a grappling hook" Simon explained
"I tell you. It's the feckin Milk Tray Man!!!" Bob insisted, "Give us an orange truffle"

"I'm melting, I'm melting" came a whimper from below, then silence. In the commotion Sharon had temporarily been forgotten. She wouldn't appreciate being upstaged by Cowell.

"The Wicked Witch is deed, The Wicked Witch is deed!!, there's been a murdurrr" said Corporal McSporran, "And thank Christ, the auld bag was a real pain in the backside tae work fur. An tae think ah left the wife in Kinlochbervie"

"I have no freakin idea what's goin on here dudes" said Zakk
"Pheeeeeeeoooowwwww Shhhhhrrrroooop bee beeby bee!" R2 agreed
"C'mon Sharon get up, you've had your fun" said Simon.

"I want my Ozzy, I want my Ozzy" said the cloak rising from the ground. Sharon's face appeared, the green colour running down her face mixing on her cheeks with her black mascara. She looked miserable and forlorn,

"Hey! it's Alice Cooper" said Zakk,

"Hi Zakk" said Sharon wearily "You're still a cheeky sod I see"
"Only joshing with you girl, c'mon now, Ozzy needs you back, He loves you and we gotta save the festival"

"Ohh! I knew he'd make a complete arse of it" she replied "Takes a good woman to run a business and a home. And I do miss the bugger plus I'm getting cheesed off with this place. The kids won't even visit, they don't get on with my pets".

She took off her cloak and pointy hat then gave her face a good wipe. Meanwhile Simon was busy signing autographs, he enjoyed the celebrity lifestyle

“Yeah! You know it makes sense honey” said Zakk, “Come on back with all us dudes”
“I don’t know” said Sharon, “I dunno if Ozzy will forgive me”
“Sure he will” reassured Zakk “Hell! You forgave him for nearly choking ya!”
“Yeah I know, lucky I never had a gun on me that day”
“Well, there you go girl” said Zakk, “Let’s get goin!”

"I don't suppose I need much convincing" Sharon agreed, "It's not much fun being so unpopular"

"I thought you'd be used to it" said Bob,

"Be quiet" hissed Amy, "The negotiations are going fine without you meddling"

"It's OK, it's no problem. Let's go then, I'll pack my stuff." Sharon sighed, "But I really did fancy those slippers"

It seemed the cold shock to her system had brought Sharon to her senses and returned her back to normal. Perhaps if she had not thrown that glass of water over Simon many years ago on the X-Factor then fate may have taken a different path. While she went to her boudoir to prepare her things the others hugged in happiness that events had turned out so well. Even R2's lights were flashing like a Christmas tree, so furiously that he blew a bulb.

Once she was ready they all prepared to set off back on the road to complete their quest.

They said farewell to everyone at the castle and enjoyed watching a thrilling fly past from Wing Commander Fortescue's squadron.

Bob looked up nervously, but he had no need to fear as Sharon had ensured their safe passage and a clean start.

Sandy and Angus came along, on Amy's insistence as they had two cases of Glenfiddich kept by for Hogmanay.

They all crammed into the 4 X 4 and tore down the road to the beat of 'The Frayed Ends of Sanity' by Metallica blasting from the stereo.

The two soldiers joined in on backing vocals. Unfortunately, there was little room left so they dismantled C3PO and put him under the back seat with the whisky consignment.

Simon would follow the next day in his Bugatti Veyron sports car, always a show-off. But in the spirit of reconciliation he had offered to help out Sharon with the festival in return for hosting an X-Factor audition in the Munchkin tent. Louis Walsh had discovered a leprechaun with a tenor baritone in Killarney and Simon was not about to be outdone.

Back in the car:

"Oi'm sick o' all this heavy metal crap" moaned Bob " Have you nothin by the Dubliners or me old pal Christy Moore"
"Ain't no fiddles in rock n' roll pal, Haaarrr Haarrr" shouted Zakk, "No
sireeee!, let's have us some G n' R!!"
"Aye! Give us a swally a' that!!" cheered Angus,

DAA DAA DAA DAA DOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
DAA DAA DAA DAA DOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!,

Sandy was cheerfully firing his sub-machine gun out of the window,

"MacSporran!!!! Put that away will ya?" screamed Amy "My nerves are shattered as it is"
"And I won't forget that 'old bag' crack, mister" said Sharon acidly,

"Yeah! Holster that shit will ya, ya crazy Scatsman" Zakk added "Ah'm talking
some G n'f'n' R, some Guns an' freakin Roses Man!!!"

"What you playing then Zakk" asked Sharon
"Whatcha think? Where we're going there's only one hot rockin tune ta burn down this goddam Yella Brick Highway ta Hell. Now lets drop a coupla cold ones and chew up some miles, Yeeeeeee-Haaaah!!"

The music started and they all joined in the opening chorus,

Take me down to the Paradise City,
Where the grass is green,
And the girls are pretty,
Oh, won't you please take me home.

Take me down to the Paradise City,
Where the grass is green,
And the girls are pretty,
Oh, won't you please take me home.....................

And so our happy troupe returned towards the Paradise City, speeding along the road with delirious joy. They were at last free from all the stress and fear that had been their companions ever since Amy landed. Zakk blasted out more Rockin tunes on the stereo to keep the atmosphere going and everyone singing.

Even Bob chimed in after a couple of swigs of the single malt. Though he still could afford a gripe on this happy occasion,

"Would've been better with a nice bottle of Bushmills and a merry old Irish reel to see us on our way"

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