The Worst Auditions on X Factor USA : The Search for the Easter Bunny
The Worst Auditions on X Factor USA : The Search for the Easter Bunny
In a studio complex of the Fox TV station preparations are complete for the latest auditions for X Factor USA.
Seated in expectation are the judges Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Nicole Scherzinger and L.A. Reid.
This is a special edition of the popular show entitled 'The Search for the Easter Bunny' and over 1,000 applicants have queued outside the studio. Half of them from the same family.
Here is a snippet of how the celebrities processed some of these aspiring singers from the Leporidae community of America.
"OK! Bring on the first contestant" shouts Simon Cowell,
Onto the stage walks a contestant dressed in baggy denims and a pale pink shirt. He is carrying a small banjo.
"Hello! What's your name?" asks Nicole,
"Howdy good lady, ma name is Brer Rabbit, yessiree!! And I gotta whole lotta southern toons in ma head to entertain yas'all"
"Yes, OK!" says Simon, "Now what are you going to sing for us today?"
"Well Ah is gonna sing for yuz a little toon called 'Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay' so ah am" answers the rabbit,
"Can't you sing in English?" asks Cowell,
"Hey!" protests Brer Rabbit, "Don' you be makin no ruckus now, Ah gotta fine ol' southern song for yas right here an' now"
"Ignore the Limey little fella" says L.A. "Sing your song"
Brer Rabbit plucks a few chords on his banjo to introduce the tune and then starts singing.
"Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay,
My, oh my what a wonderful day!
Plenty of sunshine heading my way,
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay"
"NEXT!"
Another enthusiastic hopeful bounds jauntily out from the wings and announces himself.
"Hello there! Golly gee! I'm so thrilled to be here"
"Good to see you young guy. Introduce yourself honey" says Paula,
"My name is Thumper" reveals contestant number two, "And today I'm going to sing the Rockabilly classic 'That's All Right' made popular by Elvis.
"Take it away" says Paula
Thumper's singing is quite reasonable and the catchy tune accommodates his vocal range. But the panel seem immediately unsettled.
"Hey man!" says L.A. Reid, "Will you stop banging on the goddam floor?"
"I'm sorry" Thumper apologises, "I like a beat with the music"
"Yeah maybe little fella, but you're giving me a headache" says L.A. "So quit with the thrash drumming man"
Thumper continues with the song acapella-style for the second verse. But after only a couple of lines he starts stamping his foot again.
"You're doing it again!" shouts L.A.
"I'm really sorry" says Thumper "But I just can't help it"
"You know something my friend?" says Simon, "They do say a rabbit's foot is lucky"
"That's right" nods Thumper eagerly,
"Not today!" Simon says with a shake of the head.
"NEXT!"
Enter the next contestant, this time a hare, in a flurry of nervous agitation and excitement. He runs around the stage looking extremely flustered and disoriented in his surroundings. He bursts into song.
"I'm late, I'm late!! For a very important date!! No time say hello, goodbye, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!"
"Woah" shouts Nicole, "We haven't asked you to start just yet"
But the hare continued, "I'm overdue. I'm really in a stew. No time to say goodbye, hello! I'm late, I'm late, I'm late! "
"Slow down there pal" adds Paula, "And why do you keep looking at your watch? Have you got somewhere else you gotta be?"
The hare suddenly stops his commotion and walks over to address the panel.
"Oh yes! Oh yes! I'm late, I'm late! I'm supposed to be at the Mad Hatter's Tea Party in 10 minutes and I'm late, late, late"
"Yeah, yeah! We know" interrupts Simon "You're late!"
"Yes"
"Well we certainly won't hold you back then" continues Simon,
"Send my regards to Rick Santelli if you see him" he adds,
"NEXT!"
Nothing happens.
"NEXT!"
The stage lies empty
"NEXT!" calls Simon again, "C'mon we haven't got all day you know"
Still no sign of anyone entering the stage.
"Who's supposed to be next" he asks
"A guy calling himself Harvey the Pooka" answers L.A.
"Pooka! What the bloody hell is that?" asks Simon,
"Dunno!" replies Nicole, "Isn't it that cute little teddy bear?"
"Maybe he's gone to the Tea Party too" offers Paula,
"Listen! Did you hear something there?" asks Nicole,
"Nope! Not me" replies L.A.
"NEXT!"
Contestant number four tears across the floor at a blistering speed in a blur of fur. He runs up and down the walls to complete breathtaking back-flip somersaults. He then continues to bounce all over the stage in a frenzy of noise and exuberance.
"Jeez! What the heck is all this about?" says a startled L.A.
"Looks like some kind of Donald O'Connor PCP routine" says Simon,
"Oooohh Hooooo!! Oooohh Hooooo!!!" Yells the rabbit as he jumps onto the judges desk and plants a huge kiss on Nicole "I'm Roger Rabbit, Oooohh Hooooo!!! and I'm in love with yoooooo hoooo!!!!!"
"NEXT!"
Aww Pwwwwweeeeeeeeaze!"
"No chance!" replies Simon "Piss off!
The rabbit shuffles away with shoulders hunched.
"I don't think I can take much more of this" says a weary Simon
At these words a little tortoise crawls out onto the stage,
"What's he doing here?" asks an exasperated Simon, "Oy! We're only doing rabbits and hares today. Clear off!"
"But I got here first" says the tortoise,
"Get out of here!!!"
"NEXT!"
The next genuine contestant steps over the tortoise and strolls nonchalantly onto the stage. "No luck little buddy" he commiserates before walking in front of the judges.
"Gneeaahhh!!! What's up Doc!"
"You name it dude" replies L.A. "We've had it all this morning"
"So what's your name?" asks Nicole
"Bugs Bunny's my name, pleased ta meetcha all"
"Please to meet you" says Paula, "And what are you gonna sing?"
"It's a little composition of my own" Bugs replies, "It's called 'I Love Carrots' and I hope you like it.
He begins his self-penned ditty.
"I love carrots,
I love carrots,
I munch them every day,
Cos they're full of Vitamin A,
I love carrots
I love carrots,
They're a great source of roughage,
And they taste much better than spinach,
Ohhhhhhh!!! I love carrots...............
Simon leans back in his chair looks to the ceiling, lets out a huge sigh and exclaims.
"Sufferin succotash!!!!"
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